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Today, July 24, 2024, two years later, I am still hurting and suffering. My heart remains in millions of pieces, damaged beyond repair. My blood pressure remains elevated. Many days, I walk about like I am doing ok, but internally, my mind, body, and soul are a whirlwind filled with chaos, anxiety, stress, and depression. I find myself wanting to cry all the time, but I suppress my emotions and hold back the tears because I have so many people depending on me. Though it is difficult at times, and I sometimes slip due to heightened levels of frustration, I must remain cognitively and psychologically astute and demonstrate emotional intelligence.
Since July 24, 2022, I have been holding my breath. Every day, I feel like I am underwater, drowning, unable to come up for air because the moment I think it is time to breathe, something else lands in my lap, causing me to submerge underwater again and again.
Since day one, I have had to continually fight unnecessary battles and deal with toxic, self-important, callous, and gluttonous individuals. I also have to navigate the various personalities, emotions, and behaviors.
Since day one, I have not had time to myself, as there has been no time for disassociation or self-removal.
Most days, my heart beats so rapidly and hard that I feel like it will jump out of my chest.
Why? Because I hurt. I continue to experience immense pain. Any person who has ever lost a spouse understands the pain and suffering I feel. For those who have never experienced such loss, you will never understand, and I do not wish this feeling on you, even if you were my worst enemy.
I have found that, depending on the strength of your connection, grieving has different levels. For me, I experience complicated grief. I will never accept or recover from such loss. I still bargain and barter with God. I am still in denial, as I am sure my husband will return home one day in physical form, especially as I know he’s never left my side. I will continue to live and navigate my life as though he’s still part of it. I still seek permission from my husband. I am angry that he left me so suddenly. I experience severe bouts of anxiety and depression, where all I want to do is stay home behind closed doors with the covers over my head, but this new life has denied me the opportunity to grieve. Even today, I have not grieved fully. Truthfully, I have not grieved at all, as I am still in a state of shock.
When I lost you, I lost half of me.
Therefore, I will never be whole again. I believe in the saying that God will not put more on you than you can bear. I just pray to God that s/he continues to give me the strength to keep moving because the moment I can breathe and standstill, it will be the moment that my entire being will crumble.
It will always be – ME AND YOU AGAINST THE WORLD and no one will ever come between us!
I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
Au'Pearce 
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