So Unsure of Self? Start with the WoMan in the Mirror

Have you ever stood back and stared at yourself in the mirror only to find that you were not starring back at your authentic self but only a shell of your being? You ask yourself the same questions over and over again. 

Source: Google Images

Is this who I really am? 

Why do I feel so naked when I am fully clothed?

Why is it that I stare into darkness when I make eye contact with the person staring back at me?

Why is it that when I know I am looking at something, it feels like nothing?

How has this juxtaposition of self become unknown and uncharted territory?

Why do I feel fear for the person that stares me in my eyes?

Why do I feel a sense of embarrassment for the person that stares me back in my eyes?

Why do I feel a sense of resentment for the person that stares back at me?

Is this really the manifestation of God? 

Am I really a direct manifestation of God or a compound of sorts?

When I reach out and try to make contact, I get nothing. Not a shock, static, disentanglement, dissipated clouds of smoke, not even a slap on the risk. What has this person on the other side of this mirror become? For the longest time, I cannot fathom this other being. What I have seen for so many years is a stranger. I am not sure if it is my authentic self or my ought to be self. How do I make the decision of which person she is? How do I make the judgment of which side to choose? What if I choose the wrong side? Will this result in punishment? Will this result in further self-resentment? Will this deter me? Will my ultimate decision send me back ten spaces when I thought I was two ahead? Will my life and personal choice be a determinant of life or death?

Is this a person chosen by God standing before me, telling me that I really need to step back and evaluate the entire scope of my life and that whatever decisions I make will be simple self-reflective but will not be a determinant of the blessings he will bestow upon me? 

Why is it that when I stare back at the person before me, I feel HURT?

Why is it that when I stare back at the person before me, I feel personal disdain?

Why is it that when I stare back at the person before me, I feel personal suffering?

Why is it that I feel feeble and disoriented when I stare back at the person before me?

Why is it that when I stare back at the person before me, I feel ANTI-ME, a sense of self-dissociation, and unworthy aesthetically? 

I feel chastised, minuscule, apprehensive, and timid?

Source: Google Images

Why is it that when I stare back at the person before me, I feel as though I am the only person in this world without physical materials and resources, a flesh?

What do I do with the person that stares back at me? 

How do I tap into the internal aspect of this being?

 For so long, I have tried to figure out how to reach and interact with the other person that stands before me. I mean, I see her often, but she has become unreceptive to my gestures or invites. She has seemingly turned her back on me and does not want to be bothered. I figured I figured that it is not her who has lost herself; it is the physical being that is standing before the mirror image that has traded in her authenticity for something that is not worthy of her time or effort. 

She has become a traitor. Hence, she’s become two-faced.

What I can say is that it was not intentional. 

All that I have sacrificed and acquired in the past few years felt as though it was done for the betterment of myself; however, as it turns out, the circumstances would do a completely 180 degree within a blink of an eye.

I get it. I took my eye off the prize, ME. 

I get it. I was thrown off course by being caught up in the manipulations of others. And I thought I was the psychologist. 

It turns out I was being psychoanalyzed.

I walked away from the mirror for a little while. I even took some down and covered up the overs. My mirrored reflection is not my true self, or is that reverse. Maybe, it is I who refuse to face the truth but instead hide from it. 

Maybe it is me who continues to walk and perpetuate through life as a fabric and distortion of myself.

It is the relegated physicality of me who continues to stride through life, trying to impress and live up to others’ expectations. But why? What am I trying to prove? 

The only person who needs to be convinced is the person waiting for me in the mirror reflection. 

The person that terrifies me. 

            The person that trusts and accepts me.

The person that discerns and understands me. 

The person that I intentionally hide from and suppress. 

The only person where I can go amiss but is reinserted into her life without question or equivocation. I face no purgatory, not even a squeamish look.

After a thorough reevaluation of ought and desired self and taking the time to self-reflect, I came to a realization that most of those persons that I tried to impress were not friends, as most were foes. 

They sat back and pontificated and anticipated, hoping and wishing I’d fail, crash, and burn. 

Little did they know I am permanently shielded from all hate, shade, and preordained stoppage and malfunction.

I am shield from destitution and outsider’s adverse insightfulness or wrong-sightedness. 

I remain shielded and revered by the blood, the father, and the holy spirit. 

From dealing with others and surrounding myself with wrongdoers, naysayers, and I can’t attituders, released the positivity and confidence within me. 

It released the inhibitions within me.

It released the go-getter within me.

It released the beast within me.

I realized that some people in your life limit themselves and settle. They have no aspiration to move beyond their reach and goals. 

I realized that I needed to surround myself with those who live within their means but have the mental capacity and desirability to stretch themselves beyond their reach, be prosperous, and not look to others for handouts or easy way outs.

I have and continue to learn that if I want to be prosperous, financially, and socially enriched, and entrenched, then something needs to change intrinsically and extrinsically, and the change has to start with me.

All-in-All, I learned not to fear myself. I learned to stare back at the person that stands before me with dignity, pride, and concentration.

I learned to be manifested, self-authenticated, self-elevating, and self-elaborating. 

I am baroque – done, but not overdone, yet, well-done. 

I am finely etched and tuned. 

My creator has perfectly created me. 

Today, I rehang my mirrors.

Today, I uncover my mirrors.

Today and from now and on, when I look in the mirror, I smile. 

I give myself a high-five and tell myself “you got this.”

I tell myself, “I love you.” 

I tell myself not to change for anyone, as you are who you are because of who you are, and if no one likes it, then they are not for you, or they have not yet become their genuine and authentic being, to stand for you nor against you.

2 thoughts on “So Unsure of Self? Start with the WoMan in the Mirror

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