For the past couple of days, I have been operating under the conditions of mentally distraughtness and functioning under disbelief. I started my day off by treating myself to breakfast. A smoked salmon bagel and scrambled eggs, if you must know. At the restaurant, I journaled and processed my thoughts and feelings to keep them from being bottled up for too long. Between client services and just before meal arrival, I sporadically and passively streamlined and used my limited social media universe as a mere distraction, scrolling through social media posts of persons I selectively followed or received notifications that they had made a new post. Most of the time, I ignored these notices because I did not care or want to be bothered, but today, I was simply looking for ways to pass the time and fast. This does not suggest that the restaurant’s atmosphere where I dined was unwelcoming or elicited depressive vibes. It was more about keeping a steady pace in life because all things pertaining to my life are still unclear, nondirectional, and inundated in mental fog and suppressed grief. However, I became bewildered and heartbroken when I came across a specific posting. My world was shaken to the core. Some suppressed emotions slipped past the preconscious gatekeeper and reached consciousness. Another tragic loss of someone I considered a dear friend and having a trusting and respectful business relationship. While my sorrow-stricken response led to reaching out to appropriate parties to confirm the loss, what was most worrisome to me were the specific persons who now have to live filled with grief, sadness, mourning, and heartbreak. This loss meant living without a husband, a father, a brother, an uncle, and a well-respected leader within an organization where all members were deemed family.
For most, losing a loved one is devastating. But losing a person amid the holiday season, suddenly and tragically, is irrefutably emotionally ruinous. This is not to diminish any hurt and pain at the onset of loss at any other time of the year because regardless of whatever day you lose a loved one, it will cause internal wounds, those that take longer to heal and those that could potentially last a lifetime. While it will seem like your life is over and has come to a screeching halt, the holidays will continue annually, faithfully, like clockwork, and mourners and griever will be forced to find ways to cope just to get through these days that are supposed to elicit holiday laughter, cheer, joy, and peace. Instead of grievers embracing such holiday greatness and positive moods, they will often find themselves self-isolating and intentionally engaging in dissociative behaviors. Even around others, they are physically present but mentally and emotionally far removed. They have a desire and urge to be alone. Griefers even aspire to dwell in their sorrow and loneliness because if they cannot spend these days with the one person they long for, they don’t want to be around anyone else.
In most cases, losing a person who you have developed a secure attachment and loving and impenetrable bond with and who has transitioned to another dimension will overwhelmingly shock your world and bring it to a complete halt. In other cases, a loss may have little to no effect on others, sparking limited emotions due to a lack of emotional connections. What this means is that with security, the pain is more piercing and penetrating. Therefore, so many things are to be considered around holidays and every day before and after. One, in particular, is acknowledging your incompetency and incompatibility in dealing with loss but also understanding that grief, mourning, and illustrations of bereavement are heterogeneous.
When knowing someone who has lost a loved one, namely those who have formed unbreakable bonds, we must respect their time, space, thoughts, and feelings. It is okay to share your condolences, even from a distance. It is even okay to stay away for a little while until the griever has the time to gather themselves and process their situation and circumstances.
Hug and console grievers only if you have already formed a secure connection with the grieving and the griever allows such contact and boundary crossing. It is important to note that grievers do not need fake or pretentious individuals in their lives at such vulnerable moments and for selfish reasons, putting on a phony façade only fictitiously demonstrating empathy and compassion when others can witness them. Therefore, it is best to keep enemies, envious persons, and naysayers out of the vicinity of the griever. Only the closest friends and family should be welcome.
Whether they cry privately or publicly, allow them to cry uninterruptedly.
If they wish to sit silently or stare into space, do interrupt.
Do not be assistant to the point of annoyance and deemed unempathetic.
Do not ask a griever for anything. More importantly, do not repetitively ask them how they are doing, if they are okay, if they have eaten, or voluntarily make or purchase their favorite meals.
Follow the griever’s lead and assist when help is requested and welcomed.
Avoid sharing memories of the loss or sentimental experiences that may cause triggers. Grievers will engage in shared and routine experiences when they are ready. So, do not force the situation.
As most grievers already know, grieving can last a little while, whereas in other cases, it can last a lifetime. So, be respectful of how a person grieves and do not assert yourself because, as mentioned earlier, all grief experiences are not the same, and each and every individual will process their grief how they see fit and not how others tell them to.
Know that holidays are the most challenging time of the year, especially when family gatherings are at the forefront and given importance.
To all persons who have experienced the loss of a loved one and are still grieving, take your time and do not rush the grief process. Do not allow others to tell you how, when, or where to grieve, mourn, or act out your bereavement. Your grief will be your personal journey, whereas you are the only person who will find ways to cope with such loss and life devastation.
Whether or not you accept it or receive it, I understand. But Merry Christmas to everyone who accepts and chooses to celebrate the holiday seasons and all those to come year-round.
#holidays #grief #loss #mourning #bereavement #loved #christmas #newyear #2024 #2025 #griever #time #death #mental health
Grief is an excuse. Grief is your excuse.
Grief is a situation that no one should ever apologize for.
Dr. ALP…
Au'Pearce 